jeudi 28 février 2013

Shame to be tired

 When I was around 13 my mother had to take me to the hospital all the way to Marseille to make some tests as it occurred to me, by some rare moments though, that everything around me was going much slower (or was it faster, I can't even say now). I remember my heart beating faster and my tech teacher speaking much faster (or slower) and everything around me changing its pace in a total weird way just as if time had gone totally mad. My mum got pissed off at me for making her coming all the way there after the doc couldn't find anything logical about it. As if it was my fault! He prescribed me some anti-anxiety meds that my sister sarcastically urged me to take every time I got mad at her after that and soon after I never got this spacio-temporal problem anymore...When i was 17 my skin got highly irritated after showers so I started to take baths more and more seldom. After timidly mentioning the issue to my parents as I didn't want to bother them with my problems they didn't seem to be concerned anyway so I had to live on with this problem until it went away by itself about one year or two later. I am not blaming them. They probably under-estimated the implications. When I was around 14 or 15 and already didn't deserve any favour from them i saw this advertisement about spending a schooling year abroad, in the states. I would have loved it so badly. Since I had become a teenager I had developed a passion for America as probably TV had contaminated my young vulnerable mind. I knew that it was a shame for me to mention it. That even asking them to send me there would have been a ridiculous and pointless option. I also knew that not going there and not going anywhere else (abroad) to study for the matter would have been the beginning of the end. I like (or dislike) to think that if a miracle had happened, a very simple one, my life might have been much different now. Learning english and discovering a new country might have motivated me to keep studying instead of quitting school soon after. But why did I really quit school? Maybe because I was tired to fall asleep during long hours of nonsense teaching but I wasn't just bored and was mostly already physically exhausted and hardly able to focus. But, at the time i didn't really know that this problem was just at its very beginning and was going to last until now. At the time i wouldn't have described me as "constantly-tired" even if now that I try to recall it it seemed to be already the case. And what would have been a huge shame in my teenage years keep being one now. The suspicion that most people would consider you lazy, weak and hypochondriac when trying to explain that you "feel tired all the time" and that you have no idea why. The fear that everybody would misinterpret your explanations as being the one of some looser fond of complaining instead of the one of some lost mind willing "to understand" and mostly "act on" or even "recover" from an expending gangrene. I have to take my 10 min nap and my headache will be gone after that. Then I will start talking about what I am here for. The science of communication. For an asocial freak as I am it seems a little paradoxical but most of my inabilities to verbally express myself even in my mother tongue also come from an unmatchable desire to talk about what really matters instead of what "really seems to matter"but that doesn't, at least not for me...

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