jeudi 28 février 2013

3 days from now

3 days from now and I will turn 32. My biologic mum was 31 when she passed away. She wasn't exactly sane all the way but still more lucid than another delusional person that keep fooling one third of humanity almost two millennium after his death at 33 years old. Most of people either a little curious or totally disinterested about my life could believe that I am either hiding a secret of self-acomplishment by being able to be and travel so freely apparently without any specific life goals or that my existence is an absolute failure. None of them would be exactly wrong or right. My life hasn't exactly been the success I envisaged but as long as I'll be able to breath I will refuse to assume it is an actual failure. Rending me and accepting what seems the truth would make it even more so and I have been auto-sabotaging me for far too long. I am a 32 years old child that has learned too little from his experiences. Your memories make up your experience that create your wisdom. My forgetful brain has become weaker these last decade and especially couple of years. Most of my imagination is gone but thanks god the little I have left is more than enough to spend several lifetimes developing the crazy ideas I keep coming up with. Also, my ability to think, concentrate and remember seem to be leaving me at an exponential pace and I have a little less hope for that. If I keep not doing anything about it I'll be a total vegetable by 40, if I am still alive, and pretty magically, without taking any drugs or anything of the kind. What is it that makes me so tired either I sleep 12 hours or 6? What is it that prevents me to focus properly no matter what i do? That forces me to drink various coffees and energy drinks a day that don't really help at all? That make me sleepy with a need to lie down for a few minutes every couple of hours or less? Is it because I over-think and blow my vital energy wastefully into the air? But then why is it getting worse now that I have actually stopped thinking and day-dreaming? Is it because of my nervousness and "non-biologically inherited anger" that kills me slowly? But then would it be enough to feel the way I do and why does the one I inherited this pathological anger problem from is still in good shape at almost twice my age? Is it something physical but then why the couple of doctors I have seen haven't found anything wrong with me even though I had a heart operation when I was two that has never seemed to affect my health since then anyway? Nobody knows, nobody cares. my parents didn't. Neither i do enough now...  

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